Dear Diary,
It’s taken me a while to get up and running, but with the help of some truly wonderful people that I am blessed to have in my life, here I finally am. Shiny new laptop, fabulous new blog page, pens and notebooks and brain shifted into gear. Woo-hoo, I’m ready. I’ve actually wanted to write for a long time. As it’s just you and me, Dear Diary, I can share with you that for many years I’ve had this long standing, quiet dream of being an author but never brave enough to pursue it. I remember, several years ago, I was very kindly invited to a birthday garden party of the son of a well-known author. His father had passed away several years previously but I remember how humbled and honoured I felt to be in the space where so many wonderful and now famous stories had been inspired. As I entered the house to use the bathroom, I briefly stopped as I passed the open study door. The beautiful dark wooden desk and deep red leather chair lead my thoughts into a future where I was the one sitting at a desk, penning my thoughts and allowing my imagination run free onto the page.
As time passed that little dream has taken more shape. I see myself sitting in my own little office, which we’ll call ‘Dreamsville’ for now, it’s one of those wooden conservatory outhouse buildings at the foot of my garden, no, not a shed, thank-you….it’s much posher than that. It’s a pretty shape and it has a veranda, obviously, because that’s where my dog is going to lay sleeping whilst I’m working. It’s painted a clean, fresh creamy white inside with framed pictures on the walls of inspirational quotes and my favourite books on the shelves, keeping my own published book company. There are glass windows all around and French style doors that open up to let the warmth and inspiration of the summer sun flood in. In the winter the doors and windows will be closed, the blinds can come down and the heater will be on keeping myself and my dog super cosy, whilst he sleeps on the warm rug and I type at my desk, letting my imagination gallop wildly whilst my fingers work fast to keep up.
I used to be quite good at writing, long ago at school, but it’s never quite been the right time to pick it up and explore that avenue again. I know, I know, I could’ve done this years ago! Why didn’t I? Well, the usual stories of work, raising a family, keeping house and all those other normal ‘life’ things which gobble up our precious time and have made the last 20+ years disappear in what feels like the blink of an eye. Well, that’s the lie I kept telling myself and believing anyway. The truth is probably much closer to another reason though. Dare I say it? Fear.
Fear, if we allow it to, can hold us back from so many things. One of the most crippling fears that I have felt throughout my life has always been what other people might think. There have been so many times that I’ve not said or not done something purely for fear of what other people may think or say. Stupid huh? But I know I’m not alone. It’s that fear that held me back from writing, from doing exactly this, for so long. Fear of putting myself out there, being open and exposed. What might people think? What might they say? What if nobody likes what I write or worse, what if nobody reads it? Scary to face those situations. Far easier to take the dream, pop it in a box, stay safe and blame life for not allowing me to open it.
But now, as a forty-something year old woman with the career under control, children all grown up (and my step-children even have babies of their own), I find that not only do I finally have more time on my hands, but I’ve found the confidence to do a bit more than just daydream.
Because, the more I have addressed this ‘fear’, the more I can see that what other people think doesn’t need to affect or matter to me. In fact, most of the time, other people aren’t actually thinking anything like my thoughts might lead me to believe. And ‘so what’ if they are anyway?
“What other people think of you is none of your business”.
Regina Brett
I’ve reached the conclusion that whatever I may decide to write and put out there to the world, will always be open to criticism from somebody ready and waiting to scoff and tell me that I’m not doing it correctly or that it’s not ‘good enough’. Negative critics, well they’re just everywhere in life aren’t they? But here’s where I have a choice. Everybody has a choice. Either let that fear win, let it rule us by hiding away and giving up on who we really are or what we really want. Wasting away our precious time on this earth, too scared to let ourselves sparkle.
Or, we can stand up to fear, look it in the eye. I figure that, as there are 7.6(ish) billion people in this world – so we’re told – no matter what any of us do, it’s simply impossible to please them all. Impossible. So why waste time worrying?
There are millions of grains of sand on the beach, but I only need one bucket full to build a sandcastle.
I can put my fear firmly in its place by being brave, being bold and moving it out of my way. Then, I can go forward, embracing hopes and dreams, yes ok, perhaps with some trepidation here and there along the way, but refusing to let it hold me back.
As a very wise lady that I’m honoured to call a friend, once told me; “Fear is always going to accompany you as you drive through this journey of life and that’s ok, sometimes it’s needed and it has its place. Just make sure it always sits in the back of the car, it’s not allowed up front, it’s not allowed to touch the radio and it’s most definitely never allowed to drive”.
I love that analogy! It’s one that I can actually picture. The sooner any of us can understand and truly accept that, the freer we become!
And that’s where I am. I have acknowledged what my fear’s around my writing are; maybe I won’t be good enough? What will other people think? I accept that they’re there. I don’t need the whole world to like or appreciate what I write or the way I write. Just enough….
So, I’m taking the leap. I’m driving this car to destination ‘fulfil a dream’. I’m putting pen to paper – or fingers to keyboard as it is now.
I’ll be honest, I’m not a hundred percent sure at this juncture, what kind of writing I want to do, but I do know I have a head bursting with ideas. I’ve been busy behind the scenes in these past months bringing together my plans for short stories, a couple of skeleton outlines for potential books and some non-fiction blogging. I’m not sure where my writing style will land, what will bring me the most satisfaction or by which form I can give my readers the most enjoyment, but that’s ok. I’m learning and I’m excited to explore the options.
American author Ray Bradbury once said, “write a short story every week. It’s not possible to write 52 bad short stories in row.”
I hope he’s right! Luckily, I have some truly inspiring people around me. Those who will encourage and cheer me on, offer me feedback along with the constructive criticism I need to excel me forward when I wane. I appreciate those people very much. They know who they are.
So, buckle up Dear Diary! Fear is securely strapped and silenced on the backseat along with doubt and worry and you’re in the front with me. The radio is blasting out “The Eye of the Tiger” and we are on the Action highway to Dreamsville!
